I have talked about how we need to start caring about ourselves a little more. About how the stresses in our daily lives can eat away, so we need to have outlets to release some of these emotions. Even talked about ways that we can use exercise, nutrition, and our hobbies to add some positivity into our lives. These are all great….but, what happens when you do start working on yourself? How do you handle the emotions, behaviors, and the thoughts that are now changing?
What I am talking about
I started working on myself when I started this blog almost 2 years ago. It was this last October, though that I really started to make some changes in my life. I had already been in school for some time, enjoying everything I was learning about. The blog was hitting the completion of its first year. And then I had a revelation in October that my life, up to that point, was in dire need of a little changing. I spent too much time focused on others that I had just about lost myself completely. Waking up daily, thinking that I was put on this earth only to help others and my wants and needs were immaterial. That is not a way to live. So, I started to live to a new mantra, “It is time to take back me.”
OK, now what?
I started to repeat this phrase in my mind to build up the drive. Purchased a few journals about self-care and self-love. Even started to take photos of myself to push my mind outside its boundaries. What happened after this time is something that I was not prepared for. I am confused. That’s it. I am confused. I don’t know what to do or how to behave. Can’t figure out how I feel at times. There are times when I feel like I am numb because there are too many thoughts and emotions running through. How do I handle this new me?
I am different
Recently I asked a few friends and family members if I seem different. As a matter of fact, they nearly yelled at me that, yes! I am a different person than I was even back in October. They have watched me grow. Seeing me getting stronger and more powerful in my life. (Still working on seeing this part in myself.) Now, I wake up with thoughts about what I want to do. Pushing back a little on the draining need from others.
All new territory
This is where I am struggling right now. I have spent a good 40 years of my life dedicated and focused on the happiness of others and negating my own wants and needs. It had become so routine that my wants and needs became nonexistent. No longer could I tell someone I wanted, because I immediately would answer in a way that would make them happy. My husband could ask me where I wanted to go for vacation, and I would pick a place that would have his favorite things and hobbies. Friends could ask me where I wanted to go for lunch and I would not be able to answer or just say, you pick I can eat anywhere. Living for so long not wanting anything and then suddenly wake up trying to push myself to want, is difficult. It makes me confused because now I battle in my mind to focus on me and not them.
The battle
When you are constantly doing one activity for a long time, it is extremely hard to just turn it off and do something else. By the way, this is why you never tell a person, “just stop thinking like that.” Or, “just focus on the positive.” We all live our lives a certain way. Some of us battle depression from trauma, experiences, and childhood. Trying to tell an adult to stop doing something they have done for several years is like telling them to stop breathing. So right now, I am at war in my mind with the person I want to be (strong and powerful) and the person I was (quiet and submissive).
Can never go back
We all change in every day of our lives. The experiences we go through change us in small and big ways. Add in the drive to change, and there is no going back. It is physically impossible for me to become that quiet person that allowed everyone to dictate her life. My mind has changed so much already that, no matter how hard my life may get, I have the drive to be empowered. I want to be me. I nearly lost who I was. Can never go back there. I can only push forward and learn all over who I am.
With great warmth,
