I remember so much about my childhood school time. Being the shy girl looking for a friend. When one kid would pay attention to me, I would attach myself to that person and would become their best friend. As a kid, I would want to spend all my time with them at school. I would find it very hard to understand why they were not always wanting to be hanging out with me, the quiet girl.
Attachment continues
Fast forward to high school. There I found a girl I would hang out with and called her my best friend. Oblivious to the many times she would ignore me, use me, and treat me as if I was just another person. To me, I had to be around her. Even when there were other kids with us, I was stuck to her side. Then, we had a fight and I found myself attached to someone else. It was always to one person at a time, until we fought, they moved, or left. But there had to be someone I was attached to.
And continues
Fast forward again to adulthood. I have a few friends. Some I know I can hang out with, talk with, and some I can have deep conversations with. But now, I am finding myself attaching to some of them. All my friends have their own families, lives, work, and friends. But when I am looking for someone to talk to at that moment’s notice and realize that they are all busy with their lives, I get severely depressed. I begin to question if they like me. Do they still think I am a friend?
The belief
Emotional permanence is the ability to understand and accept that emotions and expressions of emotions continue to exist when they cannot be observed. When I looked further into my childhood, my teenage years and now my adulthood, it made so much sense. I attached to each person to make sure I continued to receive and feel the emotions of acceptance from them. When I couldn’t any longer, I would build up the fear that they no longer liked me and moved onto someone else that showed me some attention.
Unhealthy attachment
My attachments lead to a constant suffering throughout my life. By holding onto each person, that one that enjoyed hanging out with me, I would suffocate our friendship. I needed the constant affirmation of being a good person. Of being a nice person. And the affirmation that someone liked me. Why did I do this? Some will discover that there could be many reasons a person attaches and has the lack of emotional permanence. For me, being the shy quiet girl, I didn’t receive much in the way of positive feedback from family, friends, teachers, or anyone. I developed a low self esteem through the bullying for being the big girl and the quiet girl. For me to feel beautiful, to believe I was beautiful, I needed to hear that from others. It was so bad that I craved to hear it.
What to do
I discovered all of this just recently. Already knowing my tendency to hold onto one person at a time or attach to just a few that a part of my special circle. Hearing that I also have the lack of emotional permanence made it that much clearer. This is one of the reasons I have been focusing on myself more lately. As some of you follow my Facebook and Instagram, I announced that I started a photo journal. Every day I take a few photos of myself throughout the day and pick a couple to save. Then I have a notebook that I write out what I see in the photos and what I like in the photos.
My goal
My goal is to teach myself that I am a beautiful person. I have a patient, spirited, overthinking mind. That I am powerful, strong, and driven. I want to believe what all my friends, family, and coworkers say about me. Ultimately, I want to be proud of who I am. To be able to let go of the attachments I hold onto. I need to understand and believe that when someone tells me that they like me, gives me a compliment, and just tells me I am a good person, that they truly mean it and especially if they do not say it again. That I do not need the constant affirmations. Because I will personally believe it for myself.
With great warmth,
