I wanted to give you another glimpse of what it is like to be me. Well, to help some of you try to understand what we go through when we are trying to heal. There are some people I do not share my troubles with, because I know I will get something like, “well you just need to do this” or “why did you do that?” Being someone that has depression, anxiety, PTSD, and is actively trying to heal from everything I have and am going through, it is definitely much easier ‘said than done’. Want to know what it is like?
The past
I have shared some of the things I have been through. Bullying for 7 years, depression for 6 years, post-partum depression that was never properly diagnosed and treated, and cases of verbal and emotional abuse. All of this has developed triggers and reactions to what some people would think were normal actions, what I believe are traumatic to me. Let me give you an example. Living life as an overweight woman, I was constantly looked past and disregarded. In school, I had boys tease me and one even asked me to the school dance, only to never show up. I never thought of myself as being beautiful. Until recently.
Am I pretty
See, I tried every diet. Started dieting in 3rd grade. Finally in 2012, I had weight loss surgery. I lost 119 pounds. I was feeling good. Happier and healthier each day. Still had some days of not liking parts of me then too. I got pregnant shortly after I hit those 119 pounds and after my son was born, the weight never came off. Today, I am still a good 60+ pounds under my heaviest, but that also means I kept too much. Anyone that told me that I am beautiful, I would not believe.
Now these last 3 years I have been working on loving myself for once. Seeing myself as others see me. There was a time when I started to believe them. I felt lighter, smiled more, and laughed more. I felt beautiful inside. And this is where I lose people, because it didn’t last.
One good day
When someone has dealt with trauma for so long, we will have days that seem like everything is going right. It just doesn’t take very much for us to lose that feeling. I lost that feeling a few weeks ago. And it wasn’t pretty. My mind tried so hard to fight the emotions. The worthlessness, the sadness, and then ideas of not being good enough.
The fight
What is it like to be me? It is very hard. I battle stress at home, at work, and in general life. Add on top of all of that, I battle my mind and emotions. I fight myself daily. When I was going through that period, I had to consciously fight back against my thoughts. Remind myself of friends and loved ones that have been there for me. Everyone that has cared about me and supported me. Trying to get me to see what they see in me. Constantly telling myself that they still love me. They are still there worrying about me. Everyone still cares about me. They all do because I am worth caring about. I am someone special.
Working on me
I am working on myself because I am tired of just existing. I remember when I had happy days. I want to be happier and healthier. But daily, I fight my own mind. I fight against the stress of life. Trying to find a new job. Battling against my own demons, no one ever sees. Daily, I am telling myself, cheering myself on to do more, be more, and love myself.
Always fighting
My family and friends will tell me or ask me something like, “what if you just did that” or “you should have said this.” I am not just fighting against life in front of me, but I fight against myself. Trying to believe that I am powerful, strong, and beautiful. Every day, multiple times, I could easily give up. Lose everything and just exist in life. The paved path may be easier, but it is a dark path. The lighted path is full of boulders, harder to get through. Just remember that anything can be accomplished, just by taking one step at a time. So, when your family and friends come to you for support, or you see them suddenly happy, remember they are still fighting. We cannot just flip a switch as much as we wish we could. Healing takes time. No matter how much time we need.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
