I have been sitting here thinking about my life and who I am. Since I started thinking about the adjectives that would describe me for my journal, it has me really thinking about how I see myself. I know what my past has shown me. What events I had been faced with and forced to overcome, even when I was too young to understand why life was the way it was. Like when I was a teenager going through junior high school and having kids tease me and boys “pretend” to like me. Or in high school when I had friends use me to do what they wanted and couldn’t care about my feelings. Then I progress into adulthood, constantly trying to find something I was interested in that I was good at and liked to do. (Funny. I didn’t figure that one out until now.)
Words
My friends and family have called me driven, resilient, intelligent, and powerful. (Even had one friend tell me I was evasive. I will talk about that one later. 😊) But I would never use those words to describe me. Because I cannot see that in myself right now. Does it mean that it is not there? No. The opposite.
My mom called me driven. She said I was driven because I made a choice to make a change in my life and I am working towards it. I am driven because I am focused on raising my son to be a good man and treat people with respect. Driven because I have found something I like to do, and I am doing it. All of that and I never would have thought of the word driven to describe me.
The Mirror
When I look in the mirror, I see a woman. Almost a shell of a person I remember I used to be. I remember several years ago, waking up in such a great mood. I would play the radio and dance around the room. Smiling from ear to ear, laughing and just enjoying the day. Walking outside to the fresh air and blue skies. Thinking that the day was so beautiful.
Today, I don’t see that. I still laugh, sometimes with my friends. Barely dancing to my music. And smiling is a little harder these days.
Using Others for Me
I was just talking to a friend of mine and telling them that I don’t know how to help myself look in the mirror and love myself. This came about because I was looking for affirmation that they like me. It was when I realized that I was using other confirmations and approvals of me to help believe in myself. That the only way I would love myself was as if others did too.
I struggle with this. A lot. That personally, I do not feel like I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or anything because no one is telling me this. That I cannot believe it without their approval.
Enough for Me
When all of this was coming out with my friend and I, they told me…well reminded me that we are in a process. Life is a process. Many people go through this part of the process earlier in life around their 20’s and 30’s. I am 45 and I just started my process of discovering myself. This is why I am struggling. I want to see me. To see who I am and believe in me as well as love myself. The only way to do that…is to work hard at it. I cannot give up. My main goal is to ultimately love myself. And right now, I have so many steps in front of me that I cannot see the end. But that is okay. Because really, for every step I do take, it is a step forward. Even if there may be a few steps pushing me back. Those I take, are always forward.
Just like your steps forward. We are all good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. We are all enough for us.
With great warmth,
