I purchased a really cool journal for myself called “Love This F*cking Journey for me” by D.A. Sarac. The beginning section of the journal has you reflecting on your past and what you would say to the younger you. But then, I got stuck. Because I ended up on the page that focuses on me now. It is an image of a watering can and water drops down to a small plant. The object of the page is to fill in the water drops with all of the adjectives you would use to describe yourself.
Outside view of my life
I reached out to some of my friends to see what they would use to describe me. They gave me words like, powerful, resilient, strong, intelligent, beautiful inside and out. You know what I would have used? Patient, quiet, creative, and caring. The problem is I do not see myself as powerful, strong, or beautiful. Too many times I wonder if I am smart enough. What I see in the mirror is not what others see in me.
When I told my friend this, the look on her face was one of surprise and almost anger. How could I not see this in me after everything I have been going through? That is simple. My angle view of my life is different than yours. I see each day as one I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other. You see is as being strong enough to want to get out of bed. Resilient to the stress I carry every day, and powerful enough to continue taking that one step in front of the other.
Hard to look in
Why is it so hard to acknowledge these pieces of my being? I think because for me, I struggled with who I was and wanted to be in my teenage years. Constantly lost and did not have a clear direction in my life. I started to settle in school, work, friends to just say I had done something. I never pushed myself to determine what I wanted in my life. Until now. Now I have a clear focus. Is it still hard to describe myself? Yes. But I have a better handle on what I am than I did over 25 years ago.
Growing up
I watch my son now with his hobbies, games, things he likes. We had a chance to attend a carnival at his school recently and he was able to run and play with his school friends. I watched how he interacted with each one and what he liked to do. By doing this, I hope that I can help him find his focus, his direction he wants to follow as he grows up. By the time he reaches high school, I want him to have a clear distinction of what he likes and doesn’t. Especially since right now, his close friends in the neighborhood are into sports, and he is not.
You are special
Do you think you can describe yourself in a similar way your friends and family would? Probably not. Hopefully, you will be close though. So that you can see that you may not think you are smart, powerful, and caring, but to everyone else in your life…you are and so much more! Hold on to that too. We each have different angles of view of our life. Seeing the need or seeing the strength. Moving forward because there is no other choice or having the drive to move forward. Just remember that there is no comparison to you and anyone else. Because they are not you. You are unique, beautiful, and more importantly…you are special.
With great warmth,
