It is a battle of the mind

Lately, I have been more vocal about mental health and how everyone experiences life differently. And it is interesting to watch those that do not much about mental health and depression try to understand what I am talking about. I mean we interact with people all day long. Many of these people are either working on healing or trying to survive. If they are not, then they are close with someone who is. And yet, there are still so many that do not understand what our lives are like. Because it is not like others. This is my life.

Diagnosis

I have been diagnosed with depression, postpartum depression, and anxiety. Through therapy and self-reflection, I realized that much of what I suffer through now was around me most of my life. The problem was, back then, mental health was not discussed or advertised as it is now. I get articles daily about mental health and millennials, especially since COVID. Today, we see commercials for new medications, celebrities talking about their own mental health battles, and advertising for products to help. We never saw any of that what I was a kid.

Before the day even starts

So how does my typical day look like? (Please note that this is only what I go through. Others may have it easier, while some are much more difficult to handle. Everyone is different.) Let’s start with the overnight. Lately, I have been dreaming not once or twice, but multiple times throughout the night. Some are three or four dreams each night. Plus, lately, it has been every night. My dreams pull all of the people, places, wants, and thoughts of my entire life – shake it up – and then, tell a story. Sometimes I will remember them and sometimes I will forget the details within minutes. The common factor of each one is that I am involved, and I wake up uneasy.

Dreams and Music

When I wasn’t dreaming so much, I used to have a few lines of a song in my head – every – single – morning. Each day, I woke up with a song playing in my mind. Not the same song. Always random songs. But for months, there was never a day that I didn’t have something playing. There was no reason behind which song played. I even tried testing it by listening to a certain song before going to sleep, only to have a different one in my head.

Time to get ready for battle

Now that I am awake, it is time to get ready for my day. Workdays, I am up and in the shower by 6am. But here, my mind is already thinking about…well everything. There is all of the stress going on at work, making sure the family has everything they need, and what the next few days look like for both home and work. Then as I am getting dressed for work, my depression kicks up a bit. Choosing the right outfit for work can be a simple task or it can take me a long time before I “settle” on something.

Dress to impress

I spoke to my therapist about how I dress. As we talked about my childhood and how I see myself, she commented that she was a little surprised to hear that I struggled with seeing myself as beautiful. Mainly because all she sees me in is nice (casual or work) clothes. That is all she will see me in. I do not have anything that is considered “play” or “messy” clothes. I do not have clothes with rips or paint or stains. Even if I am working in the yard or going to the grocery store, I am in nice jeans and my T-shirts are also pleasant. I dress every day, all day, presentable. And there is a specific reason. I am scared that someone will not like what I look like or make fun of me. Yes, I am 47 and still fight that anxiety every day.

The battle

This actually remind me of another time that my depression and anxiety battled. So, I have a constant “dress to impress” mentality. I have to look good so people will notice me. But there have been times in my life that I had someone staring at me because they thought I looked good. Well, two people. One was my husband (when we were dating) and another was a friend of mine. In those moments, I wanted the attention, scared I wouldn’t get it, but became self-conscious when they did. (Something like, “please look at me – why are you staring at me, what’s wrong with me?”

Already stressed

This is just the morning of my typical day. At this point I am already getting stressed out, anxious about how I look, worried about the following days, and wondering if I am strong enough to get through this day. And it is not even 8am yet. Having mental health disorders is a life-long struggle. Similar to substance abuse, the person has to constantly work at being healthy, keeping their minds filled with positive thoughts, and striving to want to wake up the next day. If you are someone or if you know someone that has battled depression, PTSD, anxiety, or any other mental health disorder, understand that although they are smiling now, doesn’t mean they are healed. There is no cure. Just that they have days that are good. And hopefully, they get more of them.

Enjoy this video.

With great warmth,