So last week I started talking about what my typical day would be like. By the time I reached leaving the house to go to work, I was exhausted. My mornings are full of thoughts, anxiety, and stress. The afternoons are full of good times and stressful times. By the time the evenings are here, I look for ways to relax, if I can. But usually, it is not until everyone is asleep that I get a chance to breathe. For me, every day is a challenge. And it is not just the people around me that add to the stress. I can very easily add to my mental challenge all by myself.
The Good Times
For the last two years, I have been trying to find a new job. A change in my career path. I struggled to even have a company call me in for an interview. Most of the time, I heard nothing. In two years, I had only three interviews. One of those interviews was just last week. From the day of the interview through the following three days, my mind was all over the place. Some were encouraging thoughts, while others were full of worry.
The Struggle
The heaviest push came this week. The company texted me that they were preparing the offer. I was in shock. Full of excitement and giddy. I couldn’t believe it. But it didn’t take long before I started to dissect that message. Suddenly, I am getting more and more anxious that they “accidentally” texted me. That the message was for someone else. That I was about to get another message apologizing for the mix-up. I could feel the disappointment and the sadness start to come over me. I was scrutinizing something so quickly that my excitement was starting to get effected.
Personal Battle
There was no issue. The text was for me…and I got the job! But the point is, I (by myself) was sabotaging my own happiness and excitement. And, as some of my friends know, I do this often. So many times, if I don’t hear from one of my friends for even a day or two, I can easily start to think that they don’t really care about me and are not thinking about me. That I am alone in this world. But none of this is true.
Fight the Good Fight
Every day I fight a mental battle. It is a constant fight to stay positive. Clash against reality and my thoughts. This is what it is like for so many people in the world. If any of you have been depressed, anxious, or know of someone that is, it is probably sounding familiar to you. Unfortunately, there are people out there that do not understand this. They cannot believe that not hearing from a friend can pull a person deep into their minds. I have one friend that will tell me every now and then…” get out of your head.”
Self Respect
This is why I push my family to always treat people with some form of respect. We don’t know what they are going through in their lives. Or what they may have lived through, resulting in them now acting this way. I am not saying that you should take any abuse or negativity from others. But to realize that everyone struggles with something. There is no need to add to another person’s suffering. Because most of us are suffering enough on our own.
Every day
I fight this battle daily. I have a group of friends that have been a big support for me. They would tell me I am strong and worthy. And every day, I struggle to believe them. There is no option of giving up for me. I have come too far in this journey. And each day I feel a little better, a little stronger. I am trying to stop the thoughts. Trying to redirect to something a little more positive. This is my mental battle.
The Brighter side
My therapist asked me if it was because I thought I was unlovable. No. I know I am lovable. I know that I have people in my life that love me. What I want in my life is something I lost a long time ago. To be happy. I had days, weeks, that I just felt good. The day was brighter. I laughed more. Even danced around the house. It all felt good. I used to get those days once a month. Then it became once every 6 months. Until I lost it. And I want it back. So, for now, I fight this mental battle every day so that I can once again dance. Because we all deserve to be happy. To feel light and see the days brighter. We all deserve to dance.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
