Did you ever have a day that felt like every emotion was running through your body? So many emotions and thoughts that you almost run on autopilot? Friends and family see a physical change in you. Everyone is asking you if you are okay. But you are so absorbed that there are no words to properly describe what is really going on. When words are just not enough for you, the result becomes, “I’m fine.”
Too many emotions
We all go through stressful times in our lives. Some of us are trying to heal through past trauma. Others are directly in the midst of the trauma. And if you are like me, my emotions can be read all over my face. It is evident that I am going through something that day. But I can’t describe how it really feels for me. Not exactly.
The struggle
One of the (many) things I have been struggling with is how I feel about myself. It is something I work on constantly. But it goes deeper. You see, I fight with myself daily. I have an inner war with how I want to be and how I have been for the last 40+ years. Like recently, I was fighting with myself about how my friends feel about me. Yup, that is right. I have friends that have a very deep level of care and love for me that I know they would be there at moment’s notice if I needed them. They are the ones that can set me straight and cheerlead for me as I go through life.
My struggle is that if I don’t hear from them for a while, if I don’t get some sort of affirmation that they were thinking about me, then I start to worry that they may not really like me as much as I thought. It is my anxiety that has been built from childhood. Where I was constantly acknowledged and then ignored. This went on through high school as well. As I got older, I attached to those that showed that they needed me, only to be used by them. I was needed because I was useful for rides, homework, and I was somebody that kept them from being alone.
Childhood trauma
Now that was a few people in my life that treated me this way. So now, at age 46, I start to think I am not special, I am not needed, and I am not useful unless my friends tell me or show me. Do my friends really feel this way? No and I know deep down they don’t. And this is where the battle begins. I will start off by getting anxious and sad. Then I will remind myself that this way of thinking is not reality and anger and frustration come in. So, in a one-minute span, I have sadness trying to become depression and anxiety, then add in anger and frustration. All of this behind a mask of happiness for those around me. So, if someone asked me then, “are you okay?” Well, there are no good words to answer how I really am.
Music speaks when words can’t
Music has become the outlet for so many going through trauma and healing from it. The lyrics that tell these stories through the melody become the closest we have to an answer. Ever listen to some of the songs you love? Listen closely to the lyrics of the songs you listen to. How many times do you suddenly realize that they are describing how you feel? More music artists are using their music for mental health and relationships. We may not have the words to describe what we are going through, but someone else may.
Fine
When someone says “I’m fine” you are pretty much guaranteed that they are nowhere close to that. Those words are the closest to “I am going through so much right now that I don’t have a clue how to describe it, so I am going to hide behind this mask for now.” If you hear “I’m fine”, stop and sit with them. Don’t push them to talk but show them that you are there for them. Because once some of the dust from the internal war they are going through settles, they will need someone to listen to them. They don’t have the words now, but they will soon.
I hope this music video will help some of you find the words you need.
With great warmth,
