Had an interesting conversation with some friends of mine, this week. One of them told me that they withheld asking to do something with me because they were worried I might think about them differently. As if there was a potential that I might not like them or hate them. This had me thinking so many thoughts after that interaction. Especially, how many times in my life did I hold back from something I wanted or needed just to please another?
Happy Back Then
I took a trip down memory lane after that day to think about the people I have ever interacted with in my life and how have I reacted, perceived them, and treated them at the time. Then started thinking about all of the people I interact with now. (Sorry, overthinking went into high gear there.) How many times did I let someone else’s happiness impact my own?
Conditioned
Depression comes in so many forms and can be very difficult to detect. I bet I could ask any one of the people I know (that doesn’t already read my blog) if they would consider me to be depressive, and they would probably say no. Those of you reading right now know, they would be wrong. My entire life I have backed away from things that made me happy because someone didn’t like it. Or because someone else just wanted me to do things they liked. Doesn’t take too long to condition yourself into a depressive mind frame.
Not Always Good
Oddly enough, I discovered that I have never hated anyone. I might get mad at people, frustrated, upset, but I have never said the words or thought that I hated a person. I guess it was because I was able to understand that these people that did me wrong, hurt me, or said mean things, they all have different outlooks in their perceived realties. To clear it up, what I see happening, may not be what they see happening. There is a challenge in this ability. My problem comes in that I start to make these other people’s happiness my responsibility. “You don’t see that going to the beach is fun and it make me happy? Okay, I will change my plans to go where you want.”
How many times has someone asked me where I want to go for lunch and I would pick their favorite place, even though there is only one item on the menu I like? Or plan a trip for a vacation, only to plan a schedule of places they would really like? Giving yourself away too much, only leaves you empty handed.
For Me
I learned recently in my mental health healing quest, that most of my depression episodes are results of losing the opportunity to do something, have something, or experience something that I truly like. It becomes a reminder of so much I have given up for others. My new challenge, to find out what I want now and go after it. That is why I had gone back to school for my masters. (Graduating in 2 weeks!) It was also the reason I started this blog.
Stepping Out
I sat with my therapist last week and talked more about my self-care journey. Knowing how much I love to write, she suggested that I start a list of things I come across or think about that I like. Call it a bucket list, kind of. This list will grow and shrink. Not limiting myself to any number of items or tasks. A list to remind myself that I still want. I still like things. Want things. And the only way to help break from my depressive episodes (at least for this part of my life), is to push myself.
Your Own Happiness
We become comfortable when our actions are the same. The good thing, we can almost predict how events will affect us because we have been through them all before. The bad thing, you can easily lose yourself. What we want in life is always important. Always a necessity. And always a priority. Our mental health needs the thrive of our personal gratification. Self-care is the act of providing peace through actions that we enjoy and offer a break from daily stresses. We are not responsible for anyone’s happiness, but our own. You find something that makes you happy? Don’t give it up. You deserve it.
With great warmth,
