I have discovered so much about myself as I travel this road. One thing has me puzzled. Why am I finding it so hard to be happy? I still look in the mirror, only to see someone that could look better. Thinking about what I do at work and throughout my day, only to feel like I am nothing special. The constant feeling of wanting to be more, better, prettier, and special. Almost as if I am comfortable here. That is the problem. Ask any of my family, my friends, my coworkers, and they will tell you about just how special I really am. Why can I not believe them? Why can I not believe in myself?
Toxic
During this new course I have been on to work through my mental health, I also discovered my toxic trait of attachment. Find someone, anyone that offers me a complement and I immediately want more. The addiction to affirmation just to feel something. Then when I go hours, days, and weeks without the constant reminder, I fall further into a depression. The numbness and loneliness that overwhelms me. Am I too comfortable in my sadness?
The past
It is interesting. As I write this, I cannot help remembering a time when I was in high school (almost 30 years ago) when I was with some friends at the beach at night. This time stuck in my mind because I remember all of the kids having fun around the fire pit and I felt better walking away, down to the water. I remember doing this just to see if anyone cared enough to come check on me. But I do not remember if anyone did that night. Just how long have I been so comfortable in my mental cage?
Glimpse
Don’t get me wrong. I do have times in my life that were filled with happiness. Like the day I was able to break through my teenage depression. Finding the day to be brighter. My spirit feeling lighter. Having the care of acceptance, silenced for a while. So why is it that today, I struggle so much? Happiness coming only when I have certain friends acknowledging me. Giving me the opportunity of laughter and the embodiment of being wanted and needed.
PDD
Persistent Depression Disorder is a constant depression even when found in happier settings. As with anything in life, there are levels of severity in this disorder. The severe cases can be seen in people that struggle to maintain jobs, relationships, and a pro-longed view of melancholy life. Those of us with a less-severe case may find small temporary times of light-heartedness and even a little happiness in small doses. But we can still fall into the melancholy mind-frame in the blink of an eye after laughing with a friend.
Keep going
Every day I struggle, yet still push on. Each minute I overthink yet reach out for comfort. Every time I find negativity, I search for positivity. I knew that when I started this road to a better me, I was going to have to fight for it. Always remembering my dad’s special words…” No! You can’t lose yourself. You are too special.” I know I am lucky to have family and friends that support me and are cheering me on. And I know I have a little boy watching me as I work through the tough times, showing him that sometimes you need to struggle a little to appreciate the good times in life. If his mom can overcome this, he can do anything. Sadness and melancholy may be quiet and comfortable. But I don’t want comfortable. I want happiness. To look in the mirror and be proud. Walking through my life with my head held high with believed confidence. I will get there. One day. I am too special to give up. We are all too special to give up.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
