We all have those times when a friend has just gone through a hard time in life. You stand there wanting to comfort them. But you don’t know quite what to say. You want to show you care. But you don’t want to be the one to bring up a bad time for them. It just seems like there is so much said and so much not to say.
To say or not to say
I talked about how I had recently lost my dad to cancer and when I returned home and to work, I could tell how so many would give me a glance and not say anything. Some would come up to me with the usual, “I am sorry for your loss”. There was one person that had followed up with, “I know there is really nothing good to say about what you and your family have gone through. I wish there was.” Is there really nothing good to say to someone in this case?
What about if you have a friend that is depressed about life. Maybe they have been bullied, teased, rejected, or just mentally used. What can a person say to this friend? I am sure some of us would come up to them to refute any claims someone said to them. Maybe a few would approach a little stronger and try to point out how those others are just scared and weak. Is any of this helpful?
Not so helpful words
There is one thing that I personally do not like to hear, “I know what you are going through.” The reasoning is simple. You do not know what I am going through…you are NOT me. However, you may have gone through something similar and experienced it a certain way. But please, do not tell someone that you know, because in reality, you don’t know.
Another one that is not helpful, is when people like to tell you the should’ve(s), would’ve(s), and could’ve(s). “You should do this”…”I bet you could get another man easily”…”Oh, I would have done this to show them a thing or two.” I know this may seem helpful, but it really is not. As someone that hears this more than I like, my first thought is, “great, something else I am no good at.”
Helping through grief
I have few suggestions on what can be said to our loved ones and our friends that struggle with grief, depression, anxiety and so much more. First, with those that are trying to manage through grief (no matter what the grief is about), one of the best things to say is, “do what you need to do to help get you through this ON YOUR TIME.” Giving them the encouragement to take steps forward, while understanding that they need to move at their speed, their time that they are comfortable with. And most of all, remind them that it is okay to have bad days to grieve their loss. Because, as I have seen in quotes, the grieving is another way to show the love you have for those that have moved on.
Helping through life
To our friends and loved ones that are trying to take steps forward during depression, anxiety and more, I would tell them, “I understand that your feelings have you wrapped up right now. I have two ears that are great for listening. There is no judgment, because at a time in life, I had needed someone to listen too. When you are ready, I hope you will find me and allow me to be your sounding board.” Again, this is a chance to let them know you support them and understand they are in a place not just anyone can reach them. But you are also letting them know you are standing here, willing and waiting to be the rock they could use to lean on. A chance to let out some of the feelings, emotions, and anything they want to. To release some of the burden that has them tied up.
How are you doing
There may not be the right words to say. It could be just as impactful by not saying anything at all either. However, to simply let those we love and care for know we care about them, is the greatest gift we can give. A simple, “how are YOU doing?” can go a long way with someone who is battling grief, depression, and just trying to take one step forward through this crazy life of ours.
So, how are you doing?
With great warmth,
