This past week I have dealt with being sick with COVID, changes at work, the family getting sick, and changes in vacation plans. And even with all of that, I have been trying to keep focusing on myself. But I Tuesday night, something strange happened. I had a trigger out of the blue. How do I know? Because suddenly my mind shifted. Nothing was right. Nothing was good. My mind went from everything being good, to everything being dark. It was that quick. That easy. I fell.
The good parts
My life has been turning around lately. I love my new job. The ability to control and fix and change my clinics helping make them better for the staff and for the patients. Every day I laugh. Even my family can tell that I love my job just by how excited I get talking about it. Work is pushing me to thrive. Pushing me to face my accomplishments and believe in myself. Home life is
The other side
But still I found myself in a dark place. For about a day and a half, my mind was at war. Back and forth my thoughts talked about giving up to see all you have accomplished. From why do I feel so alone to look at all those that love you. Suddenly I was fighting against myself and the thoughts running through my mind. And all it did was leave me in a visible saddened state.
The trigger was a simple one. Something that most people would not understand as to why I was so effected. The trigger was simply, I couldn’t talk to a couple of friends that night. I started to talk to them, but they just suddenly stopped because it was late for them. No big deal, right? But not for me. For me, it was a very big deal.
Understanding
All my life I fought for people to like me. Most of the fighting took place in my childhood. Now, I am fighting to like myself. I still battle the thoughts of not being good enough and pretty enough. So, when someone just stops paying attention to me, it affects me. I found out later that they had fallen asleep and didn’t let me know they were that tired. Look. I understand that happens. It doesn’t so much happen to me, but many people will get so tired they can fall asleep doing simple tasks. And in no way am I upset with them. But it triggered.
I know I have a lot of work to still do. Constantly fighting to believe in myself and love myself. I would like to think that there could be a day when I suddenly just do, but I feel more realistic that I will fight this fight all my life. But most importantly, I have to understand that I will face triggers throughout my life too. Words and actions that do not mean anything to others, but will mean the world to me.
Triggered Lessons
I broke through the dark cloud I found myself in this week. But it did take talking to my friends again. It is this exact situation that I need to learn from. Seeing and understanding what actions and words took place prior and how I felt after. And find ways I could believe in the other reasonings for those actions and words. Life will throw triggers at me, and I need to use them to learn. Use them to believe and love myself. Because ultimately, that is the most important person in my life. Me.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
