This week was a test of mental stability for sure. Well, for me it was. I have been with my company for only about 4 months now. The people are so nice, and I can see many of them really care about each other. I look around and see people working hard, laughing, and casual conversations. It is a pleasant experience each day. And for 4 months, I have had a really good time here. But this week really tried me and my mental health. And suddenly, my own self doubt found a way to creep back in.
Creeping back in
At work I have projects and a bunch of little tasks to get done. The projects are time consuming, mentally exhausting, and in some cases, physically challenging. I am faced with schedules that are almost unreasonably tight. And expectations that are just as equally unreasonable. But I love every minute of it. Getting the chance to make things better for the staff and make their work environment nicer makes me feel good.
When I first started with this company, I was worried. I was worried that I was taking on too much and really out of my element. Doubt was trying to take hold. I have always thought I wasn’t good enough to do much. That I would follow behind people all of my life. And here I am trying a career that I know less than half about. There are people I don’t know. Then on top of all of that, I changed industries, and I am now in the medical field. But that was all okay. Because in 4 months, I felt good. Looked forward to going to work and doing my thing.
Recent doubt
But this week was hard. Because of some missteps by some people in my department, my group of 4 people I worked with, became 2 real fast. I was left with myself and my boss. I was told I am still doing a great job and to keep at it. But, at night, I worried and started feeling the self-doubt again. Can I handle this? Am I good enough and smart enough to deal with this change?
Not just about me
All my life I have fought the ideas in my head of having to act, perform, look, and sound a certain way. That if I am doing things like “them”, then I am not good enough. That no one will like me unless I do what “they” do. But through my friends, coworkers, bosses, and my family, I have been working on fighting against those thoughts and ideas. And realizing that all of these people I just mentioned, well they like me because of who I am right now.
Two-sides to every doubt
When I begin to feel this uneasy sense of self-doubt, I remember everyone in my life cheering me on. How my boss and coworkers would tell me how much they admire my unique ability to be so patient with everyone. That even in some of the most stressful situations, I can calmly present myself and allow everyone to recenter themselves to find a solution. They tell me how they cannot believe how I am able to obtain viewpoints from all parties of an incident and present a resolution that best suits.
I look back at the descriptions that my support has given me over the years. Words like, driven, intelligent, patient, strong, and powerful. These are badges I hold close. Words of honor that remind me of who I really am. I may feel like the quiet one and the wallflower of the group. But others will see me as strategic and clever. Because these characteristics of mine are really the swords I use to battle my self-doubt. I will fight it forever in my mind. Only now, as I look in the mirror, I am enough.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
