Have you ever had one of those days when it feels like nothing is going right? Almost as if the world is against you? Maybe you are missing someone that has meant the world to you, and you cannot be with them? Those can be some of the hardest days to get through. Where you begin to wonder why you are having to feel this way. Wondering why you are having to go through this. It is those dark days that can lead you into dark thoughts.
Scared
Most of us have had those times in our lives that begin to think about not being on this earth anymore. Too many are scared to talk about suicide. Scared to think about. And, unfortunately, easy to judge. The problem, it is those fears and judgment that thoughts about suicide turn into action. The feeling of being alone in their thoughts, to not having anyone to understand. Then the judgment of others in statements like, “why didn’t they tell me?” Or “I wish they would have said something. I could have done something.”
Every day thoughts
It is those thoughts that really bug me. Mental health itself has such a stigma already in society. Those of us that are dealing with this every day of our lives are so wrapped in our emotions that we don’t know how to express ourselves. We are scared every day. Constantly feeling alone in the world, even if we are surrounded by friends. We are ones that can go from laughing to tears in seconds. Thinking that we are the strange ones of the group.
Overthinking
I know I am an overthinker. This is dangerous, especially when it comes to my anxiety and depression. If I am struggling with stress or a sad moment in my life, my thoughts dwell. For instance, I am struggling about my schooling almost completed. I need to figure out what I will do after. When I think about that, my mind then goes to what it would be like to work in the mental health industry, somehow. To my family that I have been helping every so often through some of the stress they are doing through. Onto my current work and friends there. About some of the things they are going through. Then onto my friends and wondering how each one of them are doing. What they may be doing right now and if I haven’t talked to them in a few days, do they think about me. (By the way, that runs through my mind in under one minute.)
Dwelling thoughts
At the time I get to the last part, I begin to dwell on the fact I haven’t talked to my friends in a while and go into that I am not important, not special, no one cares, they are too busy, but if they really cared they would make time for you…and so on. It is that quick for me to go from a simple thought to a dark path. One that fuels my depression. It is that easy for me to pull away and sink.
No Warning
Depressive thoughts can turn into deadly thoughts too fast. There are no warning signs. No way for someone to see what I am going through to stop it. I may not even look sad to another person when it all happens. It lands on me to make a move of some kind to ask or receive any help.
Strength
That is the hard part. It is left to the strength of those of us deep within the darkness, to do something, say anything, give a sign that we are in need. We all have strength. At times, it is more than others. Other times, it feels as if we have nothing left in us. We are scared to say anything and feel as if we are just looking for attention. Scared to do anything so we are not seen as always needy. We hide behind our masks, so we don’t look like the one who is always sad and depressing to be around. All of that and we are screaming inside for someone to see us, talk to us, help us, to love us. To care about us and make us feel needed.
Keep talking
It is very difficult to see a depressed person from the outside. Hard to tell if they need help from their smiles. This is why, I keep talking about reaching out to your loved ones. Reach out to your friends. Keep doing it. Even if they say they are fine. Because I know how easy it is to hide. Even those that are laughing, dancing, talking. Keep talking to them. It won’t take long before you see the hidden feelings. Show your love, your heart, that you care. It will change a life, guaranteed!
Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
With great warmth,
That was awesome Jen, this post gave me chills. Thank you for posting it