Everyone deals with some form of mental health in their life. Whether you are healing from a childhood trauma, experienced a life-altering event and now working through PTSD, or your everyday life has become so stressful that you are working through burnout. Every person processes their mental health differently. There is no bigger difference than how men process their stress and mental wellbeing than a woman does. And if you have read the book by John Gray, Ph.D., “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” you will understand that it is not just one or the other anymore.
Men and Women
Say you are walking along the street, and you see your two friends, “Bob” and “Mary”. Watching the two of them, you can see that they are both struggling with something. It seems to be more visible in Mary by her actions and overall appearance. But with Bob, it is much harder to determine if or even what he is feeling. When you get up close to them and are able to ask if they are okay, Mary is the first to start telling you everything that is going on. There is still some she is holding back and hiding from you. But Bob only replies, “I’m fine.”
Feelings
Sound familiar? Why do men not talk more about their feelings? Think back to your parents and your grandparents. Even as you grew up, boys are taught to be strong. Taught to be the ruler of the home, the “breadwinner” and sole provider of his family. Work all day to build and be wealthy not just in money, but in life. As a little boy and you start crying, were you ever told, “never show the other kids you are crying. They will just pick on you.” From the beginning, we are conditioning boys to hide their true feelings. Then as they are older and have families, they don’t want to show their children that they are fighting against the demons in their head. They hide even more to show they are the matriarch of the family. The protector. It is no wonder suicidal rates for men is much higher than in women.
One side of the coin
Let’s go back to Mary for a second. Women process mental health very differently, even among themselves. We may be a little more open with friends and family, but we too tend to hide so much of our pain. The mask to always be present, happy and smiling, look our best to make an impression is worn for so long of our lives, we start to forget who we really are. Some of us may keep the mask on permanently, which makes things much worse. How we process our stress and trauma is also different. There may be a few special people we go to, but most of the time, we too hold so much back. Instead, we will use the conversations within ourselves to process the situation. (This is why I have “car-therapy” nearly every day.) Having the chance to speak out every emotion, every thought (all thousands of them), and every need and want we have without the worry of judgement or pity. Sometimes, we even find the rational part too.
Fix-it!
In the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” I remember the general consensus I learned from it was that men have a more “fix it” mentality to situations. Even my husband has admitted, he believes there is a root cause that brought upon the effect, so there must be a defining solution. A more black and white outlook of “there is this, so that must be done.” Women are definitely not like that. We find the “feelings” behind the situation. Here is an example of both. Recently I had another breakdown. While in the middle of it, I already knew that, rationally, I was being silly. I knew the reasoning behind what was done. I understood the situation and the direction this event was intended to go. But it only took one small piece for my mind to create something that wasn’t there.
Too much
When I was going through the emotions, there were silent screams, crying, negative thoughts about myself, and they started to really turn ugly. Knowing I needed to get under control, I said nothing and tried walking outside (in the heat) to take some deep breaths. My husband heard my voice and came to check on me. He asked what was wrong. But I couldn’t get my thoughts together to explain anything. And I did was confuse him. Because I couldn’t define the problem, he didn’t know how to fix it. But really, all I needed was to get through the time with my feelings and allow my mind to settle.
No one
Now on the flip side, I know some male friends that have expressed that they were feeling depressed. They too couldn’t define the root cause. Instead, they placed their mask on and pretended to be okay. Enough that the initial depression subsided. I bet if you were to ask men “who do you talk to if you feel down or need help?” many would say…no one. Because again, men were taught so young to show power, strength, and be the rock for their family.
Reach out
We all go through stress, trauma, feelings, despair, and depression. It is always better to talk it out with a trusting person than to hide it. Friends, family, support groups, therapists and other professionals can offer an outlet to release the strain you are holding. We can all feel like the weight of the world is sitting on our shoulders. It takes one person to help take some of that weight off.
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With great warmth,
