I had an interesting conversation with my mom this week. I have been working on improving myself and loving myself these past 3 years. Learning to love who I am and enjoy being me. Since I also found the new job, it has really helped. Pushing me to believe in myself and trust my instincts. But I still have down days. Bad days that want me to hide from all that know me. And in the conversation with my mom, she couldn’t understand why I had them.
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Ever ask someone to explain how they felt at the peak of excitement? They may tell you they are excited, but deep down, it is more. They just don’t how to put their feelings into words. That goes both ways. When someone tries to ask me about how I feel when I have my bad days, I cannot find the right words to really explain. My last bad day was not too long ago. It started with a sense of loneliness. I have my family and friends. But that particular day I was so alone. It was as if I was hollow. At this point, my mind begins the battle. The fight of thoughts about how I feel against reality.
Understanding Reality
In reality I know I have people who care about me. My family and friends that only want the best for me. But it takes very little for my mind to pull in and question this reality. “Well, if they are not talking to me, do they really care?” Can turn into, “Am I just a convenient friend?” and “Why would they want to be around me? I am not that special.” Where the reality is, they do like being around me. They just might not have the time right now.
The Impossible
When you ask another person to describe a feeling, you are actually asking a question that is nearly impossible to answer. Why? Because unless you are them, you will never truly understand how they feel. I tried explaining to my mom that when she was deep in grieving the loss of my dad, everyone was pushing her to get out of the house and get up and move. The feelings she was going through on top of everyone pushing her were actually pulling her deeper in. I will never know how she was feeling. I can imagine, but that is all. I will never really understand what she went through, because I was not her.
Happy?
As we reach out to our friends and family to check in on them, we need to take a step back for a second. Understand the fact that we are not them and will never fully feel and apprehend what they are going through. What we can do though, is help them. Stand with them so they know there is someone that will be there when they fall. Listen to them when they need to release the emotional energy they bottle up. Hold onto them to show that it is okay to fall apart sometimes. And most importantly, check in on them. Even the ones that seem happy all the time.
Even I don’t Understand
It is hard enough for me to understand how I feel and what I am going through. For me to explain it to someone is even harder. For anyone else to really understand me, it is nearly impossible. I will be fighting this the rest of my life. But I also know that I have people in my life that are making it easier for me to fight. And that is also why I will always be the one that will be there for anyone that needs it. We are all fighting something in our lives. I may not understand what you are going through, but I respect you and all you have been through. Remember you are loved.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
