I had an interesting conversation with my mom recently. We talk just about every day. Most of the time it is on my way home from work to help me get through the long commute home. A chance to wind down from the day, bounce ideas off of her, and ultimately, a chance to vent about some of the things going on in my life. This latest conversation reminded me that there are many people in the world that do not understand what some of us live through each day. And that, right there, is why so many of us don’t talk about struggles.
My thoughts
I was talking to my mom about kids. I have one son and after he was born, I really wanted another child. But unfortunately, there are certain circumstances that were health related and some that were the result of another person’s decisions, I was not able to have another child. So, as I was talking to my mom, I had told her that I struggled with the connection with my son. I was never resentful or scared, but I had to consciously remind myself that I was a mother to this little boy.
My Feelings
Let me explain. When I was pregnant, I was excited and worried. I was already past my mid-30’s and just so happy to be having a child. My pregnancy was actually really easy. And then when he was born, that too was pretty quick and easy. But this is where things turned a little. Most of the time, it felt as if I was watching a TV program of my life. I was on autopilot caring for this baby and my husband, and it was as if there was nothing different. I struggled to feel like a mother. Even now as I see my son growing up, confessing to me that I am his world and wants to be with me all of the time, I struggle.
Trying to Understand
I know that part of my problem comes from the fact that I am just now starting to discover who I am. Most people are finding themselves in their 20’s and 30’s. But here I am about to be 47 and still learning about who I am. Right now, I would love to be able to leave for about one month and experience things that I find interesting. Unfortunately, that is not something I can do very easily as my life is now. And as I spoke about this to my mom, she was very surprised. All she could think to do was tell me I am a good mother and that I should consider adoption. But it is not that easy for me.
Right now, I can sit here and tell you that I can look at my own son and think to myself about how it would be so nice to be on my own for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son very much. He makes me happy and amazes me every day. So why do I think this way? Why do I feel like I would rather be alone? Or that I constantly wonder why am I not like other moms? They look like they care more about their kids than I do about my own.
Don’t Understand
As I was telling my mom about this, she just couldn’t understand why I was feeling that way. And all she could think of doing was repeating that I was a great mom, and I would be a great mom to any child. I just didn’t feel that way. There was nothing I could do or say for her to understand what I was going through.
All Uniquely Similar
There is so much that any one person lives through. My son is battling ADHD and trying to learn how to manage his 50-100 thoughts that run through his mind every minute. I am battling through my depression and anxiety trying to learn about myself and working on loving myself. Any one person can be working through something in their life. We will never fully understand what the other is going through. We are not them and they are not us. The best thing to do is be supportive and let the person know that their feelings are valid. Let them know they are loved. Because ultimately, we all want to feel that we are not alone in our struggles.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
