It wasn’t until recently that I was able to recognize not only what others were putting me through, but my own actions were holding me there. Part of any healing process is not only understanding what brought you to your mind frame now, but also to understand what your own actions are doing in holding you there. In many cases of depression and anxiety, a bond is formed to unhealthy situations and people. The person attaches to something that they experienced some form pleasure and happiness from. The problem is that this attachment is toxic and holds them down from really healing. A trauma bond is very common, but also very damaging. Does any of this sound familiar?
Stronghold
Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment to someone or thing. For someone like me, attaching to anyone that shows me even a minute of attention is a form of trauma bonding. Building relationships, withdrawing from others, and believing that they will be saved if they do not lose or leave this person. The bond only serves to keep a person down. Given only a minute of happiness for years of pain.
Realizing
I have trauma bonded multiple times. The need to please others so they would like me, only brought me more pain through the bond. The excitement that for a day or two this person was my friend. Then to fall apart because they only liked me so I could drive them to work. Or bonding with someone that found me attractive. Would say all the right things. Even saw those red flags every time we met. Bonded because in my mind, I thought that, “finally, someone wanted to be with me.” Took too much time before I realized the toxic level I was in.
Not Impossible
Trauma bonds can be very hard to break. And it is even harder to show a loved one that they are in one. Because the mind is very powerful. The mind has the ability to cure pain (placebo effect), move muscles and limbs on its own, and even create variations of reality. But the mind can also be manipulated. The ability to see something that is not there, believe what you want, and create pain from nothing. It took me several years to understand and learn about the trauma bonds I have had in my life.
How to Break the Bond
If you have a friend or loved one in a trauma bond or in a situation that may not be healthy, it will be one of the most difficult challenges to get them to see it too. But here are some “opinions” coming from someone that has experienced this. #1: DO NOT FORCE. If you try to force your views and thoughts on a trauma bonded victim, you will lose them. All it will do is push them deeper into the bond and away from you. #2: KEEP TALKING. Do not stop talking to this person. But keep it soft. Ask about their day, their hobbies, everything that they like. Show them that they are strong, beautiful, powerful on their own. #3: DO NOT BAD TALK THE BOND. This is a hard one. If you start bad-mouthing the person or thing they are bonded to, it will only push them in deeper. Instead, try offering your opinion differently. “I know they were trying to compliment you, but it felt more like they were making fun of you.”
Try
These are only suggestions. Breaking out of a trauma bond puts pressure on the person in the bond to want to break free. To see their life in a different reality. Ultimately, to change the way they think about everything. It is like telling you to change the way you see the sun. Can you just go outside and believe that the sun is purple? If you want and need to help a friend or family, the best thing to do is to not stop loving them. Remind them that you will be there if they need it. That you will listen if they need to talk. Because unfortunately, we cannot change a person. The only person we can change is ourselves. So only they can change them. Just be patient. It won’t be easy, but then again, life never is.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
