Do you get tired of being strong?

Well today is a difficult day for me. It was nothing in particular that caused the rough day. I want to let you know all of what I went through today in hopes that someone reading this will realize that they are not alone. Plus, I know of a few people that struggle with understanding what some people experience. It is hard for outsiders to understand the mental battles we go through every hour. How easy it is for us to be able to be laughing one moment and screaming and crying the next. This is my story of today.

Leading up

For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. Trying to work through my own self-care, caring for my family, working, trying to find the pathway for my new career that I will enjoy, and also worrying about some of my family and friends. My mind has been everywhere. The hardest of all the above is my career path. I have a degree I am not using yet. There are so many things that I love to do, enjoy doing, and am excited about doing. But finding a career path that fits in any one of them with no work experience in them, well that is nearly impossible.

As you can see, I love to write. Get me talking about mental health and I am all in. Ask me to edit and proofread a paper for you, and I will have it ready in no time. Research is my sweet spot. The biggest problem, I have very little work experience in any of these. Plus, some companies are also requiring licenses, which I wasn’t looking to do. So, I have no real direction and several areas in which I thrive.  I have been researching online, talking with friends, and even speaking to my therapist and school counselor. So many opinions and information that I am lost in any direction I should go.

Personal

On top of all of this, I have been battling through my constant thoughts about myself. “I am no one’s priority.” Or “Everyone has their own things. I do not want to bother them. They need to focus on those.” What about, “My problems are not as important as theirs.” Add all of those thoughts to “I am nothing special” and “What makes me good enough that someone would want to hire me?” My mind has been all over the place.

When I find that I have time to myself, I think. We all want time to ourselves when we have such a busy daily schedule. But when you are an overthinker, all you tend to do is think. For me, I can think of about 50 things starting with one topic. Think of me as a focused version of ADHD. I can easily focus on one topic to get projects done. Outside of that…all over the place.

Explosion

Through everything I am trying to work through, I have been feeling very lonely. I have my family, my friends, my “people”, but still feeling lonely. Each person has their own issues and schedules they must handle. Expecting any one of them to be available at a moment’s notice is not realistic. Not to mention, I go to certain people for certain areas of my life. I know where my support is strongest when I am battling various issues.

Crying storm

This morning, I had a lot of time to myself. My husband has been traveling, the kid was at school, and I was working from home today. Out of nowhere (at least it seemed that way), as I was looking out my window, I could feel my mind and emotions taking a downward spiral. Every thought was negative. And I couldn’t stop it for some reason. I thought that maybe having a glass of wine would help calm me down. Nothing happened. I knew I had therapy this afternoon, so maybe a shower would work. Then it happened.

I stood there in the shower crying. The tears wouldn’t stop. I could feel the energy within me building and coming to the surface. And then I let it out. I screamed! Twice I screamed to push as much energy as I could out. When I was done, I got out of the shower and felt exhausted. I felt so drained that I knew I had to lay down or was going to collapse right there. Dried off, got dressed, and laid down to let my body and mind relax from the ordeal.

After effects

I spoke to my therapist about this. Her response was of comfort and praise. Recognizing that I needed to sit down or lay down during that time, told her that I was strong to recognize in myself the self-care I needed. There are going to be some time in which a person needs to “explode” the energy out they have bottled up. For me, this was one of the worst I have ever had. The rest of the day is somber for me. I am still fragile since the episode this morning. And I know tomorrow morning and the days following I will get stronger and back to my more usual self.

Check on the strong ones

Many people go through life just trying to get through the next step. Holding back their feelings from friends and family to not burden them with what they believe is stupid. Instead, we just move on to the next day and maybe we will try to talk with one or two people. Sometimes, there is no direct help, just opinions. So, we keep them in. Until they explode within us. We all have bad days. Each one of us needs a way to let out our emotions. But even all of that, we just need to scream and cry. I hope as you read this, it will help you to understand how fragile yet how powerful the mind is. Check on your friends. Even your family. Always check on those you think are strong. Because they may look strong but are slowly crumbling inside.

Enjoy this video.

With great warmth,