Being Bullied or Being the Bully
Too Many Questions, Very Little Answers
I spoke last week about what is a bully. That a bully comes in different sizes and shapes. They can be in your face or online. But when you go home and your child seems quieter than usual, or worse angrier, what do you do?
What are we as parents to do if our child is being bullied by other kids? What are we to do if our child has become one that has bullied other children? This is a fear that so many parents have today. A fear of something that is out of our immediate control is affecting our child and it must be stopped.
But how? What is the source of the issue? Why was my child targeted? Who is doing this to my child? Where are the adults who are supposed protect my child when I am not around? So many questions and so little answers.
The Bully Talk
As I watch my son grow up each day, I have been paying close attention to his attitude and personality. He has already experienced a form of bullying in kindergarten that made us, as parents, realize that the time for a discussion has come early. Bullying can be prevented. All it takes is a parent to teach their kids the way to treat others is with respect. So, when my husband and I sat down with our son last year to discuss his actions as well as the other child’s, we knew this was a topic that was not going away.
I sat down with him and started to ask questions. I wanted to make sure I kept my voice calm and even, so he knew this was a serious discussion, but that he was not to be afraid either. First, I wanted to find out the events of the situation. I discovered that he admitted to teasing other kids, but also admitted that his other friend was one that pushed him to do so. More questions followed.
What to do now
Once I determined I had enough information of the situation and the layout of the school, where it took place, I was ready to change my form. It was time to help him be aware of his part and the part his other friend played. I kept my voice calm still and looked him into his eyes, so he knew it was time to fully listen to me. Then, I explained that, although his friend’s actions were of a bully, my son had also acted as a bully as well as been bullied in this situation.
Bullies come in different shapes and sizes. With my son, he realized that, because he was unkind to other kids, he too had acted as a bully. Did he realize that this? No. Not until I had explained in detail and explained how the other kids had felt. So, can you be a bully unintentionally? In my opinion, maybe and no. In a child, at a very young age doesn’t fully understand how an action has a reaction, then maybe. But any older than that, no. A bully has been defined as the “intent” to cause harm or distress.
Parents are constantly trying to protect and stop bullying from happening to their family. But it still exists. One issue we face, not all parents care strong enough to work with their kids to help fight bullying. Turning a blind eye to how their own children act around others. Another issue, the action of the child can be taught by the parents themselves. If the child is seeing bullying nature from their own parents or other adults in their lives, then they can start to believe that is how people should be treated.
Talking always comes with Listening
What can we do? Everything action produces a reaction. First action, talk! The more you talk to your children, the more you will learn. Because if there ever comes a day that your child stops talking to you, then you know you have a serious issue. The second action is to listen! Don’t dismiss anything your child is saying. Make them feel that their words and thoughts and ideas are important in your world. This will build a trust level with them that will prove to be valuable. Your child will not be comfortable to tell you the scary parts of their lives if they don’t trust you. Because to them, it is scary. If they feel you will not accept what they say, then why say it.
Time for action from reaction
If you find your child in a situation of bullying at school, it is time for action. Talking to their teacher, the principal, the school board, whatever it takes to make sure your child is protected and ultimately happy to be going to school. Children learn the best when they are happy and safe.
What to do if your child is the bully, though? Again, talk! Talk to them. Try to get them to see how their words and actions are making others feel. If that doesn’t seem to work, talk to a professional. Some have turned to therapists. A few parents may reach out to the child’s favorite icon. I have even heard of some parents reaching to the local police station to see if there was a way to take a few minutes to talk to their child.
Not born this way
Children are not born to be bullies. Children learn from seeing and listening. They see someone get treated differently because they were mean or get what they wanted because they pushed, the child will learn this is okay. It is not okay! It is not good, not fun, and definitely not okay to treat someone else in an unkind way. Children are taught from the moment of birth. So, who is truly teaching our children?
Help to stop bullying. Talk to your children. Teach them what it is like to be treated with respect by treating others with respect. And always listen to your children. They can tell you so much without saying a word.
With great warmth,
