What are you afraid of? If you were to search online the list of phobias that have been classified, you will find lists of Top 100 Most Common Phobias. But look further and there are actually over 500 classified phobias, from the rarest to the most common. And new phobias are created every day. However, no matter what you are afraid of, there may be a time you will need to face your fear. (Side note: I am not talking about fear of things that you are allergic to.) Because ultimately, the more effort you put into avoiding the fear, the more likely it will happen.
Fear of unacceptance
I have a fear of not being loved, appreciated, liked, or wanted by others. Not a clinical phobia, but named as Anthropophobia. A fear of people not wanting me. And this has controlled most of my life. Starting well into my childhood, trying to fit in. Wanting just one kid to be my friend. Then questioning them if one day they wanted to play with someone else. Into my teenage and young adult life. Dating and wondering why someone hasn’t called me or emailed me right away. Even today, questioning and waiting for the day that my friends decide that they are not interested in me anymore. All of this runs through my mind daily.
Where it truly lies
There is a heavy problem with this fear. Well, it can happen with any fear. The more I push my friends to constantly tell me they want to be around me, the more I am making my fear a reality. Because what I really am doing is pushing them away. I am questioning their friendship, and I am making them feel there is nothing that they can say or do that will make me feel better. That is unless they want to call me, text me, or see me every day just to “prove” to me that they care. And who wants to feel like they have to prove their loyalty to someone like that?
Strength within
I was reminded of this recently. But I already knew I did this. (It wasn’t the first time someone had told me I was pushing them away.) I just couldn’t understand what I was doing or why. Except this last time, it started to click inside for me. I have been on this path of working on my self-care and self-love. So, it is very possible that because I am still fighting the internal feeling of not being enough, I don’t understand or believe that I would be enough for them either. People like them, who are funny to be around, caring, and can be sociable with many people, would be interested in someone like me to include in their lives. Because I still don’t see my full worth and feel that I am something special…yet.
Redirect
My fear is not with others. It is in me. The problem comes with how I handle my fears. Fear is powerful, if you let it. Fear is an emotion that only gets stronger by the amount of effort we put into it. Focus on what you are scared of, and when that time comes, the fear will be too strong. Try to direct your focus to something else, maybe even something that is opposite, then the strength is in you.
My therapist gave me a good tool to use when I am deep in the whirlwind of thoughts. You see, I can take the idea of a friend not talking to me for a day, a week, and, in rare cases, a month and dwell on the possibilities. They are busy with work. Or busy with family. But then it can become, they don’t want to talk to you because you are always negative. And worse. So, my therapist suggested that when I get into these thoughts, to suddenly throw a strange, or opposite thought into the mix. Like, if I had a castle, what would it look like? Or if I could live anywhere on the planet, where would it be?
Enough
Fear has the power to hold us back. The power to rob us of having new experiences. It has the power to stop something good in our lives from happening. But ultimately, the power is in us. I have the power. I give my thoughts and emotions as much power as I want to. So, when I start to get scared of losing my friends, then I need to look inside and really ask, “who has the power?” My friends love me for being me. Who I am right now. How I look, act, and especially how I treat them. My fear cannot and should not define me. I love my friends and they love me. And that is enough. Because they are enough for me, which means I am enough for them. And it is about time to start believing I am enough for myself.
Some music videos…
With great warmth,
