Recently I was able to have a few conversations with some close friends. In two separate occasions, I was faced with the challenge of looking deeper into my own actions, thoughts, and emotions. Having someone from the outside of your immediate life, with their own questions on how people think, makes a person question their own thoughts. I was asked how I could not believe that I was beautiful and attractive? Why did I struggle with this so much? Why do I still feel like I am not enough?
The Past
Growing up, I was faced with constant reminders that I needed to change to be seen. I was questioned about my clothing choices by other kids. Ignored for being quiet. Told I should change my hair or put on make-up to look better. And as I grew into my teen years, the hormones directed my focus to attracting not friends, but boys. I went from trying to change to get friends, to wanting to change to attract someone for love. Seeing others with skinny bodies attracting boys with no problem or being more outgoing to grab someone’s attention. Adulthood then brought the focus to my role as a mom and as a coworker. Time to change my desires to make sure the family is cared for. Must change my time and ambitions to show I am a team player.
Changing Me
My entire life has been a constant requirement of change. Not outgoing enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and giving enough. It was a constant validation of negative that now, in my 40’s, I still look for validation of positive. The validation that I am beautiful to others. Knowing I am smart enough for the job. Affirmation that I have made someone happy for helping. And that is why, I still struggle with accepting I am beautiful. I mean I know my husband is attracted to me. But even that just wasn’t enough since he is just one person. Believing that I am good enough and smart enough. And especially why I have been focusing on me.
Peace
The second conversation I had with a special friend focused more on what I deserve. Everyone deserves to be happy. Life does not always help with this, and we tend to find ourselves battling more challenges in life. But anyway, we all deserve to be happy. This person told me that being me, well that I am an anomaly. That I have the gift of offering guidance, being able to view life from other perspectives, and giving an unconditional love and respect to many.
I am enough
I know my friends love me. Giving me the peace in my life to focus on me, my emotions, my thoughts, and my needs. I struggle with loving who I am. Fighting against the decades of doubt and validation of being less. Each day I fight a little more for me. I must. My life depends on it. But most importantly, my son depends on it.
Please enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
