Triggers can make you realize more about yourself

Life has been testing me every day. Testing my resolve and my patience. Trying to get me to break down from frustration or sadness. So far, I have been pushing back every chance I get. But recently, I discovered something about myself. I have a new fight on my hands. A fight against reality and the triggers of my mind.

Triggers of the past

I have dealt with people avoiding me. The whispers and glares in my direction. Constantly being ignored. I fought against the mind game of thinking I was not good enough. Until recently when I recognized that I am not good enough…I am better. I am beautiful. Strong and powerful to tackle challenges in front of me. I may have battled these thoughts, but I am not done with the war. You see, I still have PTSD triggers. And that was a realization altogether.

Short fuse

Growing up, I was the quiet one. I avoided any possibility of anyone being upset with me. Yell in my direction and I will do everything in my power to make you happy. Being around people throughout my life that had short fuses, pushed me closer to hiding.  Fading away and believing that the only reason I was put on this earth was to make others happy, even at the expense of my own. So many days telling my family this and accepting my fate. So not true…

Support

You see, I have some great support. People that could see me fading away. Helping me to find myself again. And I did. But there is still a fight. Because I came across a time that had me back away. A dear friend of mine had a bad day recently. I was on the phone with them when their bad day kept getting worse. Yelling and swear words coming through the phone. It was then I suddenly realized that it was a PTSD trigger. I wanted to hang up the phone. Try to make the anger go away. Just to be able to shut down thoughts in my head. Anything to stop this feeling of worthlessness. And their yelling was never even directed at me, but at a task they were doing.

Uniquely similar

When we are trying to navigate through our lives, we tend to focus on one area at a time. This leaves other areas of our trauma, our discomfort, and our depression exposed. When that occurred, I had to quickly focus on the yelling knowing it was not directed at me. Remind myself that this person was not an enemy. Understand that they too are human beings with frustrations and have a right to get their feelings out. Only if it is in a healthy way. Was having me on the phone healthy? It probably was for them. Using me as a sounding board and someone that can keep them calm or in this case, calm them down. May not always be the case for others.

Learning about myself

For me, the event was more of a learning experience, although stressful. Again, I know this person cares very deeply about me and the yelling was never at me or anything I had done. I was a bystander at the time. But it was a learning experience for me to realize that I had a trigger there in the first place. If I am faced with yelling all the time, or anger every day, then my reactions may turn robotic and numbing. In my case, I had just started getting into my happy place. Some where I felt that the days were brighter, and I even had a smile on my face. To suddenly be faced with anger in this simplest form, it was a shock to my emotions.

Memories

This helped me to realize that I still have work to do in my life. I understand that I have a deep reaction to anger and negative emotions. If I come across another event of someone yelling, I will probably still emotionally back away. This is the time to use my strength. The time to understand that we are all fighting demons in our minds. We need to understand that certain sounds, smells, even words can trigger an emotional response for someone.

For me, extreme anger (no matter where it is directed) can trigger my depressive side. PTSD does not just show up for those in the military. Anyone can experience a form of PTSD in their lives from a trauma. Whether you spent minutes in trauma or years, PTSD can still be there. Finding support, we need to understand that we are human, we are beautiful, and we are all strong. Memories can stay with us for years. How we remember them is the difference.

Enjoy this video.

With great warmth,