Well, it happened again. Another moment in time that takes my mind on a roller coaster filled with drops and loops. I have been spending my days working, talking with friends, and laughing. Feeling good just in general. Still living in chaos, but the days were beautiful. It took one moment in my life to derail it all. I have had messages from friends, phone calls from family, pictures from my past, and even a stranger’s conversation send me into a spiral. And each time I find myself mentally, emotionally, and physically working through a process before I can say, ‘I am okay’.
Understanding the process
This last time, the incident pulled me in quickly. The first thing that happened was my mind pulled up past events that were similar. I went into a debate in my mind with what felt like 100 people all asking questions. In the middle of the crowd was a lonely person, that was my rational thinking, trying to settle the noise and work through the situation. While all of this went on through my head, my emotions took over. And boy, was that a scene!
Mental
My thoughts are waging war inside my head and my emotions felt it was time to use some energy. First, I started crying. I just sat there and let the tears flow. But it was the silent screaming that took a greater toll on me. This led to arm movements and fists on the couch. (Don’t worry. I was not hitting anything.) The energy was getting used fast and the noise started to quiet down a bit. The problem now was my little rational thinker was also tired. Because the thoughts started turning more negative.
Emotional
When you have strong emotions and you may be an overthinker, depression is very likely also in your life. At this time, my mind was starting to consider giving up. The ‘why’ questions started coming out. “Why does this always happen to me?” And then there is, “I am such a burden, why am I doing this?” I sat there fighting back the overwhelming desire to give up and just stop everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. The blog, taking care of myself, trying to make myself better, all of it. At that moment, I felt that it was too hard to continue.
Physical
But it was also at this point that I was slightly distracted by some discussion from friends. It helped a little, but the damage was already done. It was only 30 minutes that all of this took place, and I was exhausted. My mind was tired. My body was tired. But I had to move on. I had to get up and take care of my family. This is where the process of my healing really took effect. I find that whenever I go through a heavy set of emotions like this one, I have a period of processing. The day or days afterward seem like a blur. I ran on autopilot. There is no laughing, no humor in the day. My emotions are numb, my mind is blank. Almost as if I hit the restart button and now, I am waiting for my system to reboot.
Healing
Slowly over the day I started to return to my senses. My mind was able to refocus on the current day and get past the event. I was able to have more conversations, express interests, and then eventually even laughed. By that evening, I was feeling better. But there is more to this process I have not mentioned.
Process it all
Everyone processes trauma and life events differently. One of the steps into recovery is finding out how you process. It is the mental, emotional, and physical process of recovery that will heal us. Healing is lifelong. There will not be a day in our lives that we don’t remind ourselves that we deserve good things. That you are strong and beautiful. I was able to push through the negative to continue. Allow my mind to settle and ignore all the noise. It may have taken me over 40 years to feel strong enough, but I can do it now. Learn your process. Discover what you go through to work past triggers and trauma. Continue going after the positive. Strive for the best you.
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With great warmth,
