Since I started working on myself and researching mental health, my insecurities have been very evident to me. The fear of not being liked has me holding back. Preventing me from being who I want to be. And it wasn’t until recently when a friend pushed me to voice my fear that I realized how bad it was. I knew my insecurities were an issue. And I knew that it was becoming an issue with me and my friends. But when you are faced with it, a new fear surfaces. The fear of overcoming your own fears.
Comfort Zone
For me, I had these insecurities for just about all my life. The constant worry of being good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough. Almost an addiction of need to be liked by others. It was blocking my chance for perfectly healthy relationships with my friends. Well, a friendship with anyone, really. Unfortunately, I have been in this mind frame for so long that I do not know any other way to think. No other way to feel. I have built a comfort zone from my experiences and thoughts. Because I can predict how I will act and feel before the event occurs.
Comfort zones are…well, comforting. But it doesn’t mean they are healthy. And for me, they are most definitely not. Because now, I feel I must receive constant praise and attention from everyone to feel that I am worth anything. Instead of accepting that I am who I am. That I am beautiful in my own way. That I am smart, especially after getting my master’s degree. I am good enough to do more in my career and good enough that these people call me a friend. Instead of all of this, I need others to tell me I am good enough. A need to have people I know and even don’t know express that I am beautiful.
Fears
I have a friend in the game I play that has mentored me in the game from the beginning. This person has become a good friend to me. And they simply asked me to tell the group why I wanted them to stay in the group so badly. I couldn’t do it right away. Because I knew that the real reason was far deeper than I even realized at first. It was my insecurity. This person has been there whenever I needed them. Even on days that I felt I needed to disconnect for a bit, they made sure I was okay and committed to taking the break. This person cared about me and that meant the world.
So, when they pushed me to voice my feelings, I struggled. That meant I was about to make my insecurities real. But as the tears fell, I wrote. About how I find it very hard to make friends and keep them. About how I don’t feel like I am useful in the group, but this one person always made sure I was included.
Breaking the Habit
I have had friends tell me in the past that the only one that pushes them away the most is me. The constant need to be reminded that I am something worth having around is a turn off for anyone. So, how do I break this mental habit? To be able to live my days knowing that these people love me for who I am and that won’t change. Even if they don’t express it every day.
It won’t be easy. To be able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am special. To accept that I have this great job because I am smart enough. That I have the chance to accel in this job because I am good enough. Every day I work on how I think. Working on how I feel about who I am. It may take the rest of my life. Or it could be that I never fully get there. But every day I take a step forward into believing in myself just a little more. Knowing that I am loved. And reminding all of you that you are loved. Don’t let your fears win.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
