As I have been working through so many things in my life, I find myself struggling. This struggle is very frustrating, not just to me, but to those that love and care about me. Because I struggle to take advice. Yup, that’s it. I can listen to what my friends and family tell me I should do or not do all day long. But when I am at a point to make the decision, I just can’t seem to do it. And I couldn’t understand why…until recently.
Wake up advice
My wake-up call about my life was actually a phone call. It was about 3 years ago with a good friend of mine. This person talked with me for 2 hours talking about how I was acting, feeling, and what could become of me if I continued doing the same thing. They asked me about how I saw myself. And we talked about how I felt about myself in the past. They even asked me how I feel and thought if someone were to tell me I am beautiful. (Answer: I wouldn’t believe them). They then told me, “Jennifer, you are a beautiful woman.” I feel good from that statement but couldn’t understand what they saw in me.
Not the easy way
Here is the frustration. I have had conversations like this with other friends and my family. My parents have told me that I am beautiful, and I am smart. But how I received my family’s affirmation was completely different than how I received some of my friends. I have a good relationship with my family and most of my friends. I know they care about me, worry about me, and only want the best for me. So, when they give me positive affirmations, I find myself thinking “of course they think this way, they love me.” But advice and affirmation from someone I am not as close with or maybe I am not around them all of the time, hits different.
Not so simple
What is the frustrating part? Simple. I have had friends tell me the same thing as my parents, and I felt better from their conversation instead. But there is more to this. Lately, I have been struggling with making some strong decisions in my life. I have been trying hard to find my voice in this world and trying to find (and believe) my worth to certain people. I fight against my own thoughts, and I fight against the personalities of the people around me. Deep down, I know there is better out there. But not many people can fully understand how hard it is for me to break out of my shell. I can’t even call it my comfort zone, but I am not comfortable in it.
The whole shell
I have found lately that I have been putting up with so much just to not “rock the boat” or “keep the peace.” But why? All because I am scared to be alone, and I worry that maybe people really don’t care about me. (Yeah, my thoughts will go there.) Instead, I find myself losing interest in things. Not wanting much anymore. Even not caring about too much either. Now, after 30 years from my teenage years, I am starting to break away from that shell. And it took someone that I was not close with at the time to listen to me and help me see the problem.
Believing the advice and yourself
It is easy for anyone to offer advice. The hard part is for us believing and understanding the advice. The harsh mountain (at least to us) part of all of this, is for us to actually do what we know we should do. It is frustrating for us just as it is to our loved ones. We both want for us to be happy. But for some of us, it is much easier to say than to do. Be patient with us. What you see that we are struggling with maybe only a small piece of a much bigger problem. And if you are really close to us like family and best friends, don’t give up. Just know that sometimes, we need an outsider to help us realize. Realize that we are strong. Realize we deserve love. And realize that we are beautiful.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
