Had a chat with my therapist this week as we dived a little deeper into my thoughts. Trying to find any kind of rhyme or reason for why I would think the way I do or worry about everything so easily. Every day I find a way to dissect the reasons why something happened or didn’t happen. Always ending up in arguments with myself because I know better. And then it hit me. Suddenly I started thinking, “what is wrong with me?” Arguing, “why do I do this?” Is there something wrong with me?
The start
As we all work through recovery of mental disabilities and trauma events, many of us tend to start to question, “are we the reason this happened?” First, I have to say, there is no black and white or definitive cause to trauma, rather than a series of choices and events. To blame ourselves let alone any one person is difficult to do. But that doesn’t stop victims from wondering if there was anything they could have done differently that would have changed the outcome and avoided the stress. No matter how severe or light the stress, trauma, or event, the effects still matter.
Rational look
Lately, I have been struggling with the many thoughts running through my mind. Worrying about job hunting (and lack of offers), talking with friends (and not being able to), and everything else that goes with being married and raising a family. I would easily hold onto one element, one time piece of the day, and think everything about it. Everything from what people were doing at any minute to what could be happening to them. Then I start to rationalize it and question it. Until I start to feel silly and get mad at myself for even questioning. And that is when the arguments start.
Nothing wrong
I start to question my own thoughts. Only it goes further. It becomes, ‘why do I do this’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’ When I spoke to my therapist about this, she helped me to realize something. I am healing. The reason I am fighting back is because deep down, I know that these are not healthy thoughts. That I am enough. I am wanted, loved, and special to many people. And now that I know this, it is time to fight harder.
The process
As we heal through the trauma we have experienced, the pain and distress that we faced in life, we have to understand there is a process in the healing. There are times when the emotions will flow and times when we get so mad at everything (even ourselves). It is all part of the process. I still need the affirmations from my friends and family. I still need the proof. But little by little I am finding my way. I am starting to see my life in a different light. Starting to see that there is nothing wrong with me. My life is not just about the choices I have made, but the choices everyone has made too.
Healing
It has taken me 40 years to realize that there are some choices I have made that were not the best. Those choices brought some toxic people into my life. I have found the strength to break free from most of them. When I really look at my life, I already have the proof. I was strong to break from the toxic people. I am beautiful to catch the eye of some. I am smart enough to get my master’s degree. I am a perfect version of me. There is nothing wrong with who I am. And as I heal, I am starting to believe it a little more each day. You too are a perfect version of you. You are strong, beautiful, and smart. There is nothing wrong with you. Remember that!
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
