WARNING: This was very difficult for me to write and may be difficult for many to read.
That one day back some 20 years ago in September that changed everything in the United States. I remember driving into work hearing about it. Coworkers at the time that lived nearby. I heard of people saying they were supposed to be on one of the planes, but for some reason they weren’t. Friends telling me about family and friends they lost. After that and to some degree even now, my heart races every time I see a shadow of an airplane cross over me.
Then and now…
Now, the world has been battling through a pandemic unlike one that has been seen in over 100 years. How many of you, your family and friends are now scared to be in the same room with more than just a handful of people? Do you feel your heart racing over the idea of going into a store now that many locations are releasing the mask mandates?
PTSD Awareness
June is PTSD Awareness month. If you hear someone say the word PTSD, I bet the first thing to come into your mind would be our veterans. And unfortunately, you would be right in your assumption that PTSD is commonly occurring in our military. Roughly every 11-20 veterans out of 100 shows signs of PTSD. But did you know that between 7-8 people in general population out of every 100 shows signs of PTSD in their lifetime?
PTSD is not just panic, fear, triggers, and debilitating situations. It is that and much more. There are levels of PTSD. It is about the response from traumatic events you have experienced or witnessed. In some people, the response is minor. In others, it is debilitating. Although he was never diagnosed, my husband has PTSD. (I do too, but I will get into that later.)
Loved Ones
My husband suffered through a natural disaster of a major flood when he was much younger, I believe age 5 or 7. He remembers being without power and water with little food for at least 4 days. He remembers being carried over a fence by his father to a neighbor to get him and his sister out. And he remembers some of his neighbors not making it.
Experiencing an event like this as a child can carry with you for a lifetime and it does for him. Now, if there is a mention of a natural disaster, or a major rainstorm coming in, he immediately goes into a mind-frame of prepare and protect. Must have a vehicle to make sure we can drive out of town. We must have a way to protect from someone who might panic and try to hurt us to take anything we have. Must make sure we have food and water to cover us for a month if needed.
His mind closes off from the world around him and only focuses on the need to prepare and protect. Can you imagine going through life scared to sleep because of the nightmares? Hearing a tree branch break makes you fall to the ground in a panic? Seeing people or smelling certain scents that can trigger visions and memories you wish you could forget?
Experience
My level of PTSD is minor compared to the military and even to my husband’s. But I too get visions, memories, a need to avoid areas. The following story is one that no one knows much about. But this event happened to me when I was in 3rd grade and to this day I remember the colors, weather, almost all the little details about the event.
(Here goes.) I was allowed to walk to my friend’s house by myself since she was just in the next block and I had to cross a minor street that was hardly driven. So off I went, walking to her house so that I can spend the night and play with her for a little while. I had my bag and my pillow in my hands walking on the sidewalk along the street when a black car pulled up. (Side note: my brother had a paper route in this neighborhood too that I sometimes went with him to help.) The man in the car asked me if I would like a ride. I told him no that I was just going to my friend’s house. He responded with “I know your brother and I can take you to your friend’s house.” (Okay, this is much harder to write out than I thought.)
I got in the car.
He didn’t take me to my friend’s house. Instead, he drove to a high school football field that was some distance away. First, I have to say…NO, he didn’t touch me. NO, he didn’t hurt me. All he did do was scare me and expose himself. I cried and yelled at him to take me back (remember I am about 8 years old at this time). After a few minutes, he drove me back. But, not to the same place. This time was on the other side of the neighborhood. I ran to my friend’s house and when she questioned as to what took me so long, I lied.
Surviving
I became quieter and more reserved (if that was even possible.) Had a hard time trusting people for a while. I was still going through bullying as well, so wanting to be around people was very difficult. Never told anyone about this until these last 10 years. So where did my PTSD come in? It is over 30 years and I can remember details of my bag, where I was on the sidewalk, what the car looked like, my friend and some of her house. I can remember details as to where he took me and dropped me off. Most of those locations are near my family home.
I could not be near that high school for several years. Even now that they have built buildings in the old parking lot, the field is there, and I remember it all. Inside I cower, fear is built up and my emotions begin to shut down. It also took me a good 10 years before I stopped thinking I was seeing him everywhere.
Living with PTSD
When someone is dealing with PTSD, the focus tends to be the emotional response from the event that happened. So, the fact I know I am extremely lucky to go through something like this and still be here to talk about it…I am thankful for every day I have and that I can use my experience to help save someone else. But the event still occurred, and I still experienced it. I still have minor triggers as result. And I have managed to direct my energy and focus to the positive of the situation in order to go on each day.
Not too many can do that. PTSD awareness wants us to remember that many of us have scars. Wounds that are not always visible on our skin. Memories of events, visions of witnessing dramatic situations can wear on a mind and bring a strong person down.
PTSD VA – Support – please reach out if you or a loved one needs help.
With great warmth,
