I came across a video on social media about a mom talking about how she chooses not to tell her kids that she is proud of them…at first. She goes on to describe her childhood, sounding similar to mine. She talks about how she would hear the statement “I am so proud of you” and immediately clings to needing to hear it all of the time. By changing how she praises her kids by saying “Are you proud of it?” it allows the child to learn about self-love. She would then either agree saying “I am too” or if they were not, she would say “Well I am really proud of you.”
Discovery
I discovered something about myself over this journey of writing this blog, that I felt as if I didn’t receive constant affirmation of doing good, looking good, or acting the right way, then I was not good enough. Besides the fact I could not see the way my friends and family saw me, I would doubt myself and ultimately self-sabotage some of my projects I really loved. Then to add to that, when I would find someone that did give me appreciation, respect, and admiration, I would attach to them. By placing them on a pedestal, only to feel emotionally hurt when they falter.
Responsibility lies with us
It is no one person’s responsibility to make me feel good, happy, or proud than my own. As much as I am not responsible for making others happy, they are not of mine. All of my emotions, reactions, and behaviors are my choice only. I choose when I want to be angry about something. The choice to be hurt and sad over an event, can only be made by me.
In my job, I talk to a large number of people with so many personalities. Some that choose to be demanding, others that offer patience. Too many people that decide a behavior of arrogance is a better choice. So, when I am faced with a person that tries to bully me, push me to use anger, or just annoy me enough to give in, I need to make a choice. I can choose to be mad, yell, or cry. But that will not accomplish much. Choosing to keep an even level emotion, provides me the strength in the event and not them.
Choose for me
I had an epiphany recently. I had discovered my emotional attachment to my friends, trying to constantly get that admiration I wanted. I thought I needed their approval, gratitude, and acknowledgement to feel proud of myself. It became as if I didn’t talk to them or laugh with them, I wasn’t happy. I began to feel depressed when I couldn’t reach them whenever I wanted. Jealous of their friends and family they would talk about being with. My mind developed a desperation in the attachment to each one.
It was when I was forced to break communication with my friends that I realized the depth of the attachment. I chose that day that I did not need them. Not for feeling happy. I did need their support. Their kindness and their warmth. But, by coming to terms with my own personal toxic trait, I chose me. Only I am responsible for me. I am the only one who chooses to be happy or not. And I can be will be happy. It will not be easy.
To smile or not to smile
We choose every day how we feel. When was the last time you chose to be happy? How do you show your children their power to choose? Do you know your power to choose?
That is the choice
Someone once asked me how I was able to handle everything I had going on last year. It was simple, I chose to wake up and continue pushing forward the best way I could. Choice is power. Choosing is strength. I hope you can choose for a moment to smile today.
With great warmth,
