Don’t you wish you could control life like you control your TV? When you experience depression, anxiety, moments relating to ADHD, bipolar, or anything else relating to mental health, there is no stopping it. Your life has now officially changed. And the only thing you can do is manage it so you can live your best life. Caring for your mental health is a lifelong dedication, much like caring for your physical health. Just some battles are much quieter than others.
Every day I fight battles that no one knows about. To me these have become annoyances. But they didn’t start that way. Growing up as a big girl and very quiet around others, I faced teasing and dislike. Always being told that I was too fat or not being chosen as part of the group hurt. So, my depression kicked in young. The problem was, I thought I broke out of my depression. I was wrong.
Beginning
While I was in my first experience of depression during high school, I had several thoughts about not being pretty enough and not good enough. Those thoughts quickly turned into voices in my mind. I heard those phrases any time I didn’t get something I was hoping for. Maybe I wanted to be invited to the dance by someone. Then no one asked, started hearing the voices. When I did get asked, it was made crystal clear I was a last resort, hearing more thoughts. Over time, you start to believe them.
That was the beginning. At age 15, I started full, deep depression. At age 21, I had my first break out. And now, almost 30 years later, I still fight those thoughts. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror, fight. I recently started a new job, fight. If I am talking with my friends, fight. I am constantly fighting these thoughts.
I have had friends and family tell me I have a calming personality. That I am a very patient person. That I am the good in their lives. And so many do not realize how I see myself. When they tell me that I am something special or that I am beautiful, I love the compliment, but don’t believe them. Because for so long I couldn’t see myself that way.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend about 5 years ago. I was at my lowest. Every day I just wanted to give up. Not seeing how my life could ever get any better. And believing that I didn’t have anything good happen in my life because I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I believed the only reason I was put on this earth was to make others happy at the cost of my own. But I had an eye-opening, 2-hour conversation with a dear friend that smashed the box I hid myself in. They asked me, what do you think and feel when someone tells you, you are beautiful?
Fight back
After that day, I realized those thoughts I had back as a child were still there and stronger than ever. And it was time to fight back. I took steps in learning how to fight them. Therapy, journals, support systems, and realizing I had a problem. Every day I hear those thoughts. Telling me I am nothing special. Constantly, trying to make me believe it. “You are not as pretty as all of them.” “You don’t know what you are doing.” “They are not going to like you when they find out you are a fake.” “No one cares about you.” These are just a few I hear every day.
I don’t talk about my quiet battles much. But I should. It wasn’t until I talked about them in therapy and to my friends and family that I learned how to handle them. I learned strategies on how to counteract the thoughts. So, even though I still think them, I can fight them back. It almost feels like I am yelling at myself in my mind about how silly these are. Because at the end of the day, I have several people that love me. That in their own way, remind me…I am special to them. I am beautiful inside and out. They do like me for me. I do know what I am doing. And it is okay to ask for help.
Don’t let your quiet war take over. Bring out your revolution by fighting back. Use that strength you are hiding and be the beautiful person we know you are.
Enjoy this video.
With great warmth,
